Dear Eric: Unfortunately, I will soon be divorced after a 50-year marriage. It was mostly very good. We raised and homeschooled and launched seven marvelous human beings! But our relationship began to break down after an empty nest and retirement. That is what it is.
I have known my brothers- and sisters-in-law for those 50 years. I have grown very close to some of the brothers-in-law, particularly. During this excruciatingly slow demise of our marriage, I have avoided family reunions on her side.
After the divorce later this year, I would like to resume attending the major family reunions and include visits to my ex-in-laws from time to time.
I know that if I hint at my willingness to resume such visits, they would graciously respond and invite me. But how do I negotiate the actual long weekend of a family reunion with possibly dozens of my direct descendants and as many in-laws, nieces and nephews and their children and, of course, my ex?
I will be warmly welcomed by all of my ex in-laws, but my ex-wife and I have descended into almost no interchange, and what little remains is cold and perfunctory. I wish to maintain these lifelong relationships, what are some guidelines and approaches that I might use?
— In with the Exes
Dear In: Your ex-wife doesn’t “own” her family but it is her family of origin and so you have to overcome the coldness between you and ask her how she’d feel about you coming.
You do this because you don’t want her to feel that you’ve usurped a space of refuge for her. And you also do this to make sure she knows that these gatherings are a space of refuge for you.
I’d be surprised if she declined. It sounds like there’s going to be a lot of people there; you wouldn’t be forced to interact. But you should get the feelings out in the open first. This conversation may also help settle lingering resentments. You don’t want to be blindsided by a misread of the situation or her feelings.
As to the weekend itself, if she’s fine with you being there, then enter unencumbered and don’t dwell on others’ questions about what happened. You have 50 years of history with these folks; they’ll be happy to see you and there are plenty of other things to talk about.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
