Dear Eric: I am a 64-year-old man, married for 42 years. I am married to the smartest, kindest, most decent person I have ever known. I tell her that all the time. I am also still wildly attracted to her. She finds that creepy which makes me feel awful. She feels my physical attraction to her is demeaning. Is it creepy for me to still feel so physically attracted to my wife?
— Love Language
Dear Language: Ask her how she wants to feel appreciated. Maybe something has changed about the way she feels about herself, her sex drive, or even you. Maybe your way of expressing your attraction has changed. In fact, I’m certain that some or all of these things have changed. You’re entering new life stages and in the fourth decade of your marriage. If nothing has changed, something is wrong.
Is this about physical intimacy, the words you’re using, the amount of sex you’re having? The way to find out is to ask questions without an expectation. “Can you tell me more about what I’m doing that feels creepy?” or “What would be an expression of attraction that felt good?” or simply “Something feels different between us, do you agree?”
You love this smart, kind, decent woman, so take the opportunity to listen to her smarts, without judgment and with as much openness as you can muster.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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