Dear Eric: My husband and I have an active sex life. But, after sex, he says “Thank You.” I know he appreciates it, but I feel a bit cheap after hearing him say that. I would prefer something like “I love you.” I’ve told him that, but he doesn’t seem to understand. Am I being petty, or should I expect more?
— No Thank You
Dear No Thank You: “Thank you” is sweet, but if it feels less like pillow talk and more like you just tipped a pizza delivery driver, then it’s not doing what he wants it to do. Good sex is about good communication as much as anything else. So, he needs to hear what you’re saying and respond in kind, even if he doesn’t understand it.
Tell him again what you want. “I know what you mean when you say, ‘Thank you,’ but it means so much more to me if you say, ‘I love you.’ Can we try that tonight and see how that feels?”
Dear Eric: A high school acquaintance recently passed away and the first thought that came into my mind was what a bully he was to me. We did meet later on in life, and he was pleasant, but still, the fact that he bullied me was my first thought and how I remember him.
I can think of people offhand that I didn’t treat the best, and I don’t want to be remembered negatively. I have been looking forward since then and have worked to treat my current acquaintances and friends with patience and respect, but I’m wondering if it’s worth it to go back and apologize for the behavior of these past incidents.
— Want to be Remembered Positively
Dear Positively: That old adage is true: you never get a second chance to make a good first impression. But an opposite sentiment deserves some love, too: it’s rarely too late to change a lasting impression.
Reach out to the people you feel you’ve wronged, acknowledge what you did and how it must have affected them, and ask how you can help rectify it. It’s important that you’re coming from a place of wanting to make amends. You can’t do this just so that people won’t say mean things at your funeral. It should be, at least in part, altruistic and motivated by a desire to right what you set wrong.
Now, regardless of your intent, these people may not see things the same way you did. Maybe it didn’t bother them at all. Maybe they’re not in a place of forgiveness. But you lose nothing by trying.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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