Dear Eric: My husband is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. His father died and he placed a headstone at his burial site. His mother died and the funeral home’s price was very high, so he did not buy a headstone for her site. She is right next to her husband, so anyone who wants to visit her would find her.
His cousin, who lived next door to my husband for about 15 years and was best friends with us for 50 years, happened by the grave. She was there for someone else’s funeral. She noticed that there was no stone on my husband’s mother’s grave and she has not spoken to us ever since. We invite her to our house for holidays, but she won’t come. What do you think?
— Burial Slight
Dear Burial: Unless the cousin is helping with the bill, it’s really not her concern how your husband marks his parents’ graves. Of course, having an opinion about things that aren’t our concern is one of humanity’s favorite pastimes.
Try reaching out with an email or letter. Say, “We can tell that you don’t agree with the choice that we made. We hope you love and respect us enough to talk it through.”
She may see the missing grave marker as callous. She may be hurt on behalf of your husband’s mother. You don’t owe her an explanation. If she doesn’t want to actually listen to what you have to say about this difficult period in your lives, then you don’t owe her additional effort either.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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