Dear Eric: I’ve struggled with a mild autoimmune condition for the last three decades that would flare from time to time. Normal life is difficult during the flares, especially while raising a family and running a business with my husband. I did the best I could.
About five years ago, I got extremely sick, and it just got worse and worse. During this period I mourned the loss of my two brothers and my dad. Other traumatic things happened as well.
I’m trying to heal and, most of all, trying to make the most of every day I have even if I don’t. I read your wonderful column regularly. What would you recommend to help me with the little bit of bitterness I feel over people complaining about the most minor, often ridiculous non-issues, people who are squandering their precious days with anger or resentment over things that are not big deals while there are people hoping for just another year.
—No Complaints
Dear No Complaints: I am always struck with awe when I read the wise words of Kate Bowler, a Duke Divinity School professor and scholar of Christianity, who often writes about navigating life after a stage IV colon cancer diagnosis. In her book, “Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved,” she writes “I keep having the same unkind thought: I am preparing for death and everyone else is on Instagram.”
How can everyone else be so caught up in their little problems when life is so fragile and so fleeting? Often, we willfully don’t see the preciousness of our days because that’s a reminder of their finitude.
While the shortsightedness of others grates on you, use it as a reminder that they haven’t done the work that you have. And that they are, to paraphrase Ian McLaren, fighting a battle we know nothing about. For a lot of people, that battle is against a lack of meaning in their own lives.
Bitterness steals crumbs of your gratitude and awe. So, use the bitter feeling as an alarm: Alert! This person isn’t in the same place I am. Use it as permission to tune them out (or even cut them out of your life altogether for a time) and refocus on yourself, your journey, and the parts of your life that connect you to meaning, wonder, and gratitude.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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