Dear Eric: I am one of four siblings. I live close to but not with my 102-year-old mother while my siblings live far away. Over the past 12 years, I have gradually taken over a lot of her care, although she generally makes her own decisions and is financially secure. She is dependent on me for cooking, shopping, appointments, and company.
After some consideration, she has decided that she will be safer and happier in assisted living. She is naturally sad about leaving her home of many years. I support her decision to move because she does need more care and more stimulation.
My siblings visit three to four times a year and don’t contribute to her care in a consistent way. They are trying to work out ways for her to stay in her own home.
All of the options they have suggested involve a lot of work for my mother and me. She doesn’t want someone to live with her and I don’t want to hire, fire, train, and supervise multiple caregivers. Their options assume I will always be here to take care of her.
My siblings are all visiting soon and want to have a discussion about how to keep mom in her own home. I am afraid they will convince her not to move. I need to tell them that unless some or all of them are moving here, she needs to move to assisted living. I love my mom, and I know my siblings do, too. I don’t think they understand just how much help she needs. How do I tell them I can’t do this anymore without making my mom feel guilty about how much I do for her?
—Tired Daughter
Dear Daughter: It sounds like your mother made an informed decision, one that wasn’t easy but one that will help her to continue to have a good quality of life and preserve her autonomy. So, while your sibling’s input may be well-intentioned, what they’re tacitly saying is that neither you nor your mother know what’s best for her. And that’s not true.
Have a conversation with just the siblings before they visit to underscore that your mom is capable of making her own decisions and they should respect that. Also, emphasize to them that you have a perspective that they don’t know what day-to-day help looks like. Be very firm and clear about the parts of their ideas that aren’t feasible or ask too much of you. There’s no need for debate. Your mom knows what she wants.
Pointing out the gaps in their thinking, without your mom, may help them to understand better without making your mom feel guilty.
If they still insist on a meeting, support your mom in speaking her mind and thinking through the options. You’ve built a relationship with her in which she remains empowered and, presumably, you’re able to honestly express your perspective and opinions. That will really help here.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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