Dear Eric: My wife and I have a fair number of friend groups. We enjoy social gatherings, especially dinners out, with all the groups. But only one or two of the couples ask us out as much as we ask them.
The majority of the other couples only seem to go out with us when we initiate it, although they seem to go out frequently with other mutual friends.
We’re certain they enjoy our company as much as we enjoy theirs and they readily accept our invitations when available, but we feel we’d never hear from them unless we initiate the contact. I don’t think we’re insecure, but it verges on annoying, and we’re tempted to constructively confront some of the couples (one or two of them) about this one-sidedness. Is there a diplomatic way to do this or should we just let it go and wait indefinitely for them to ask us out?
—Socially Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: Something simple but direct like “we like spending time with you, and it would mean a lot if you initiated plans next time” can start the conversation. Some people just aren’t initiators. At other times, friends can fall into patterns that put a burden on one side. If you’re always initiating, they may think of you as the de facto planners and initiating may not cross their minds. Proactivity can be coached, even if you have to be the ones to initiate the conversation in the first place.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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