Asking Eric: Should my ex have told me about my son’s affair?

Dear Eric: My son recently announced that he and his wife are divorcing. Shortly after that, I found out my son had an affair with the daughter of my ex-husband’s wife. Technically, the other woman is his step-sister but they only all met as adults, so it’s not cringe-inducing incestuous.

Apparently, my ex-husband knew about the affair while it was occurring, and never said anything to our son, in order to protect their relationship. I’m really angry that my son’s father said nothing, and that I wasn’t told sooner so that I could have done something.

Is it just narcissistic of me to think this is any of my business, or that I could have helped the marriage, had I known? Wouldn’t telling my son that his mom knows what he’s up to have benefited him and his marriage, especially after I very strongly recommended therapy?

With this new information, I’m having a hard time being supportive and empathetic. I just want to tell my son to give my daughter-in-law whatever she wants in the divorce; that she deserves it. Don’t we all hold each other accountable, or do I just not understand boundaries?

— Sad and Angry Mom

Dear Mom: You’re not being narcissistic, but you may be overestimating your (or anyone’s) ability to make a family member see reason when they’re bound and determined to do exactly what they want, no matter the consequences.

I know you would have liked for your son or his father to call you about this, but, really, the call they needed to make was to a hazmat team because this is a mess. What’s worse – your son knew what a mess he was making when he took up with his step-sister in the first place.

I’m not inclined to believe that someone who willingly courts disaster, both familial and marital, is likely to be persuaded by a dressing down from mom.

You have the right, and parental responsibility, to let your son know that you don’t condone his actions. While he will have to work to earn back the portion of your respect he’s lost, remember that the amends he needs to make to his soon-to-be ex-wife are between them. That’s where the boundaries come in.

You’ve got to let them hash this out without your interference. A divorce is complicated and painful enough without a Greek chorus chiming in.

No parent wants to see their child do wrong (or get hurt), but part of having adult children is saying, “You made this mess; you know where the bucket and the mop are. Good luck.”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)