Dear Eric: My guy is a good, generous, dependable, very set-in-his-ways man after living alone for more than 25 years.
We met in 2016, lived together for two years after he said he wanted to marry me, but all the changes I caused were too stressful for him and so he asked me to move out.
I dated other men for the next two years, but in 2023, my guy changed his mind and wanted us to be in a committed relationship again.
I’m not pushing marriage, but I told him I do want him to move in with me within two to three years.
This requires him to do some major repairs and upgrading of his home to sell. He still loves his work at age 70, but he hasn’t done one project in the house.
We are compatible but I’m feeling like a Friend with Benefits, and am getting very frustrated at seeing no change, no progress. Should I just give up on this relationship and my hopes to mend our lives and home?
— More Than a Friend
Dear Friend: Like a contractor who is perpetually six months behind schedule, I have bad news for you. You’re both going to be much happier if you continue to live separately.
I don’t love that he asked you to leave his house and then, two years later, decided he wanted you back.
This doesn’t say “respect” to me.
That doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t salvageable, but you’ve got to set a boundary.
He’s not going to do these home repairs. He’s 70, he likes his house, and major renovations are not fun. Even though he loves you, you’re working against comfort and that’s a hard fight to win.
If he moves into your place, with all his set ways, are you actually going to be happier? Or will this further complicate your relationship?
Ask yourself, “Beyond cohabitation, what do I need to feel secure, valued, and respected in this relationship?” And then ask him for those things. Make them non-negotiable. You are worthy of being given what you need to feel like more than a FWB. But make sure what you’re asking for won’t make you less happy in the long run.
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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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