Dear Eric: My beloved husband of 22 years is seriously ill with a poor prognosis and is concerned about leaving money to his four children from a previous marriage.
When we met, “Mike” had been divorced for five years. I had wealth; Mike had a great job with a secure pension for his life but also a lot of debt. Essentially, he had no net worth. I did not mind paying everything off.
We also helped his children and grandchildren financially and were generous with gifts. It is a wonderful marriage. He is my best friend ever. I will be devastated to lose him.
There is no money to give his four adult children after he passes. He has no life insurance. I would have to withdraw from my retirement account, which is modest now.
I would have liked to be close with his kids, but they are not warm. Since their father got sick, things have been more strained. All four have undermined their dad’s confidence in his doctors and in my care for him.
One called me evil and said that I have not cared for him properly. My husband told them all directly that but for my care, he would not even be alive. He is doing much better at present, but the prognosis is dire.
After that sad future day comes, I am strongly disinclined to withdraw what I will need to give to people who do not like me. For Mike’s sake, I am considering doing just that, anyway. His kids have no idea that although their dad made good money, he had none set aside.
I appreciate your advice.
— Can’t help but think ahead
Dear Think Ahead: I implore you not to imperil your financial security in order to leave money to your stepchildren. They are responding unfairly — perhaps partially out of grief. I say this with kindness; you may also be responding out of grief. But this money won’t heal the part of you that’s been hurt by them.
Mike needs to tell his children about his finances and help them manage their expectations about what he’s going to leave them. And he should do that now, on his own. You and he should also talk with a lawyer to make sure your plans are clear, and you’re protected.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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