Dear Eric: My fiancé and I are facing an impasse regarding the guest list for our upcoming wedding. I want to exclude his brother’s (the best man) wife from the invitation list. She consistently refuses to engage with me socially, going no further than a brief “hi.” There has been no conflict; she simply does not converse with me. Although if I ask her about herself or what’s going on in her life, she will answer, but there’s no back and forth. I doubt she even knows my name.
For context, my fiancé is Hungarian, and his family is small. Although she speaks English fluently, she is the only family member who never attempts to talk to me or ask me any questions. While they invited me to their wedding a few months ago, I believe it was purely out of obligation.
My fiancé says that excluding her will create drama. He has acknowledged her behavior is “mean-spirited” in the past, yet he excuses it as shyness, saying she took years to warm up to him. I find this a poor excuse for a complete lack of basic manners, and I am unwilling to have a guest at my wedding who will not speak to me.
I have told my fiancé that he needs to discuss this with his brother, but he has not done so, and invitations are about to be sent out. I am intent on sending a clear message by not including her. And from now and until our wedding, there won’t be any more chances to interact as we don’t live in the same country.
Am I overreacting, or is it reasonable to save my money while also slighting her?
— Guest List
Dear Guest List: You’ll have enough people to talk to at your wedding. Just invite her. Not doing so would send a message so aggressive, it would likely create ongoing problems in the family and isolate you and your husband.
It’s hard for me to tell whether she is being intentionally rude, shy or something else entirely. But you do point out that she’ll respond to you when asked a question, so it doesn’t sound like she’s being intentionally cruel.
This circumstance would be different if this were a friend’s date. (Although a wedding guest list is not an ideal place for score settling in general.) But this is your future brother-in-law’s wife. And, as you note, the family is small. Her exclusion would loom over every part of your wedding day. So, which is worse: a tepid conversation with her or having every conversation at your wedding be about her?
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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