Dear Eric: In 2020, my now-wife and I were engaged. My mother is a nurse with asthma and was deeply affected by the pandemic, experiencing significant mental and emotional stress. She avoided most wedding planning events, constantly concerned with germs, wearing an N95 mask, and keeping her distance.
My wife reacted the opposite way to the pandemic, viewing it as more of a nuisance than a threat. She felt abandoned by her future mother-in-law and expressed her hurt to me. I explained my mother’s fear due to her circumstances, but my wife accused me of taking my mother’s side. Hurtful messages were exchanged, and my mother eventually blocked her.
At our October 2021 wedding, my mother bravely attended without a mask, but my wife was angry about her presence. We continue to fight about this, and the arguments are escalating. My wife often makes hurtful comments about my mother.
I understand my mother’s mindset given her profession and condition, but my wife cannot. I am seeking guidance on how to resolve this situation. Was I wrong in how I initially handled it with my wife? I don’t want this to ruin my marriage.
— Hurting husband and son
Dear Hurting husband and son: Your wife is being unreasonable, and she needs to let go of this grudge. Regardless of debates about public health during the pandemic, it’s unfair for her to resent your mother for socially distancing when it was mandated.
You should suggest couple’s counseling. A therapist can help facilitate better communication between you two. Later, you might invite your mother to join a session to try to mend that relationship. While your wife’s feelings are understandable, she needs healthier ways to address her hurt.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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