Dear Eric: I am the oldest of three and my parents are in their late 70s. I have two daughters, 32 and 28, as well as many nieces and nephews.
Over the years, my husband and I supported and acknowledged all the special life events of my parents, siblings, their children and now grandchildren. My daughters moved to cities far away to start their careers. Thus, they didn’t always make it to all the family gatherings at holidays.
One daughter was just married in a small ceremony near her city. Only 30 people in attendance including nuclear families on both sides. On the week of the wedding, not one family member reached out with any words of congratulations to me or her.
A month post-wedding, not one family member has sent any notes, cards, gifts or anything to acknowledge the occasion. I feel deeply hurt and have not reached out to anyone either, expecting them to make the first move. I don’t understand their behavior and it’s really hard not to have negative feelings toward them. Any advice on how I can feel better about this?
—Wedding Blues
Dear Blues: The role of Paul Revere in a family – declaring news, acknowledging life events – can become a burden when that energy isn’t reciprocated. It’s frustrating. You’ve put in this work as a labor of love and connection. So, not getting that love back feels like rejection.
Some of it may be a skills issue: your family may not be as good at acknowledging special occasions as you are or may not put the same value on it. As is the case with sending thank you notes for gifts, sometimes we have to let our loved ones know what kind of communication is meaningful to us.
This is an added layer of effort for you, yes, and it’s not fair. But proactively speaking up about our needs can be a building block for healthier relationships down the road.
I’m also curious if you sent out wedding announcements prior to the big day or photos afterward. Sometimes people need a little prodding to keep track of others’ special times, especially if they’re not posted on social media. It’s not gauche to let your family members know the good news and invite them to celebrate with you from afar.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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