Dear Eric: I suffered a curable illness I was unaware I had. A symptom of the illness was anxiety. I was acting very differently with anxiety after never having it my entire life. My wife left me since I was such a different person, not being the calm strong person I always was but stressed out and worried.
After she left, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with the illness. I was sure she would reconcile with me once she found out I had the illness. Instead, she said I was using it as an excuse and never spoke to me again. She has been doing all she can to punish me. She is trying to take my daughter from me and has had me jailed for emailing her asking her to stop this.
Is it OK to punish me like this for an illness I had no idea I was even suffering from? It was completely curable, and I am back to who I was before the illness, but my wife doesn’t believe or understand.
– Doing Better Dad
Dear Dad: I’m glad you were able to get help for your illness, and I’m glad you’re back to your old self. Anxiety can be incredibly hard to manage and can manifest in a variety of ways, both physical and mental. I empathize with the confusion and fear this must have caused you.
You’re right that no one should punish you for having an illness. But without knowing more about the rest of your relationship, it’s hard to say if there were other issues at play that have kept your wife from reconciling. But she has set a boundary and the best thing for you is to accept it and turn your focus toward being present for your daughter.
If you can, please talk to a lawyer about your custody arrangement so that your rights are protected, and you have an advocate who can direct you to the proper channels for communication. Being jailed over an email suggests perhaps that there was a restraining order in place already. If that’s the case, make sure you’re not violating the order or putting yourself, your wife or your daughter in danger.
You’ve navigated a hard health crisis and come out the other side. Though it did not salvage your marriage, it is not too late to be the kind of father you want to be.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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