Asking Eric: My stepdaughter still doesn’t accept me after 12 years

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married 12 years and have known each other for 17. Both of our previous spouses passed, before we met each other. He has two daughters and a son. His son and one daughter make me feel welcome. His other daughter, from the time I met her, has never accepted me, said my name, or spoken to me directly.

I am very supportive of his children and grandchildren – I go to their sports events, plays, graduations. His daughter has never even included me in family pictures.

I tried talking to her about the situation. Her father was there with us. She denied she was snubbing me and lied several times, including about not inviting me to her father’s milestone birthday. When she couldn’t lie anymore, she ran out of the house.

I can’t figure this out. Help me solve this mystery?

—Ignored Stepmother

Dear Stepmother: This isn’t your doing; indeed, it sounds like you’ve done everything you can to build a bridge. But, unfortunately, it may not be within your power to solve the problem here. Your husband’s daughter is likely still grieving the loss of her mother. While we can’t control how our grief shows up or how long it lasts, it’s neither fair nor healthy for her to take it out on you. This indicates that she’s got an emotional block she can’t get over and for which she should seek treatment. Short of reaching inside her soul and plucking it out, there’s little you can do right now.

However, your husband can and should talk to her one-on-one about her feelings. He’ll, hopefully, be able to provide a listening ear and some guidance as someone also intimately acquainted with this grief.

He should also make it clear to his daughter what his boundaries are around acting out. She can’t keep treating you this way. You and your husband have been married for 12 years! This behavior is unkind to you and to him. You and your stepdaughter may never be pals, but her inability to be civil is not just an issue between you and her – it’s a family problem.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)