Dear Eric: My husband and I are seniors. We no longer host Thanksgiving and other holidays, as our youngest son has taken that on willingly. I still prepare a variety of dishes and baked goods which we take to his home.
He has a lovely, blended family now, and everyone converges to enjoy food and time together. It gets very loud, especially when the younger adults become more “animated” as they consume alcohol, which can become overwhelming, but we just roll with it.
This past Thanksgiving, a good friend of ours suffered a terrible loss. She was going to be alone, so we invited her to spend the holiday at our home. I told my son and his wife and offered to host the whole group, stay home with a party of three, or bring our friend along.
Their response was “the more the merrier.”
Now, after the fact, I am getting snarky comments from my son and daughter-in-law about how quiet my friend was and how she didn’t fit in. This friend expressed how much she enjoyed the holiday, even though it was very noisy, but insinuated she’d like a return invitation.
I told my son, and he suggested that I just say no. I told my son we could always stay home while the friend visits. He indicated it wasn’t acceptable because “who would make the sides and bake?” I have no qualms about sending sides and baked goods if our friend returns. But I don’t like being put in a position of feeling like I have to choose between helping a friend and the big group. Your thoughts?
— Return Invitation
Dear Invitation: Your son’s reaction is needlessly callous, to you and to your friend. Surely, he wants you there for more than just your sides and baked goods. (Also, not for nothing, but Thanksgiving is a meal dominated by sides. Are you basically making and transporting the whole feast, sans turkey?)
I’d revisit this conversation with your son, letting him know how his comments felt to you. Tell him that the only sides you’re choosing are food-related. And see if he’ll change.
The family togetherness is wonderful, but if the boisterousness is overwhelming and the invitation comes with more small print than a car commercial, it might be time to take a year off.
I can’t imagine one quiet person in a full house could really bring down the mood. If it did, perhaps the blame falls more squarely on the hosts than the guest.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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