Dear Eric: I have a sister who, from the time we were younger, hated me. Every chance she had she would work diligently to turn our parents against me—make up lies, complain that I embarrassed her, and so on.
Our parents started their family late in life, so they were older and, as they put it, did not have the energy to correct her.
Now as we are older, she continues. We can get along for a week or two, and then she gaslights. The latest was that I never paid her for dinners that she made when we came to visit. She had barbecue! We were transporting our parents to her town and back so they could visit. She invited us! I offered to bring food; she did not want anything. So, it’s not about the payment—everyone is financially stable. It’s a means to be mean.
After this happens, I react, block her, and then we do not speak for months. I am not sure if I should just be done completely, or what? I have offered for us to go to therapy in the past, she, of course, says that it’s me. She will not go. What are your thoughts?
—Sisterly Strife
Dear Sisterly: Some things can be chalked up to that oldest of stories—sibling animus. But I think there’s something else going on here. Given that this aggressive behavior seems, by your telling, to be entirely one-directional—her to you—and given that she refuses to work on these issues with you, she seems to thrive in the conflict. Maybe it’s her personality, maybe it’s a more serious psychological or emotional issue. Without input from a trained professional, which she has refused, one can’t diagnose.
The only thing you have control over here is your own peace. So, decide what kind of relationship is tolerable for you. And think about the relationship in terms of the sister that you have, not the sister who could be. It sounds like putting more consistent distance between the two of you will help everyone.
From your telling, you’ve gone around and around trying to work this out, so I don’t see the use of having a big separation conversation. Maybe you only need to communicate about your parents or check in through holiday cards and nothing else. Setting a new boundary will keep you from getting drawn back into the drama.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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