Dear Eric: I’m 26 and have been living on my own in an apartment for two years. I ran into some financial difficulties and had to get some money from my grandpa and parents.
I’ve gotten to the point where I can pay for all my bills and groceries if I budget, but my parents and grandpa are constantly asking about how I’m doing financially. They even go as far as to ask what I’m spending money on. I know they’re worried about me, but I honestly feel like my finances and purchases are none of their business.
It’s gotten to the point where I dread seeing them, because I know they’re going to ask me again and talk to me like a child. If I needed help, I would tell them, but their constant badgering is making me feel ashamed of being low income and anxious about our next interactions.
Am I being overdramatic, or are they overstepping?
— Feeling Stuck
Dear Stuck: This is a growing pain for all involved. Your parents and grandparents are learning, perhaps not quickly enough, that you’re an independent person capable of managing your own finances. They’re also trying to show care and concern for you. Grant them a little grace as they learn a new way of expressing their love.
Find a moment when things feel neutral and bring up the ways they communicate with you about your finances. Say, “I want you to know I’ve been working hard to put myself in a good financial position. Sometimes when you ask about my finances, I feel critiqued. Can we try talking about money in another way?”
And then propose new ways. Do you want to get advice about your budget but not have to justify your expenses? Say that. Do you want to put a moratorium on money talk altogether? Say that. You don’t owe them a full accounting.
Do this at a time when you’re not feeling defensive. It will help you speak more clearly. They may say they’re just trying to help, but one of the keys to transitioning a parent-child relationship into adulthood is finding new ways of asking for and accepting help – on both sides. You all may not find a perfect balance right off the bat. But don’t get discouraged. Keep asking for what you need.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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