Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband almost 10 years; we have two children. I will not lie and say these past years haven’t been without challenge. Separation and divorce have been tossed around.
Lately, my husband goes out quite frequently at all hours of the night. My gut has been telling me something is not right, so I went through his phone. Not great, I know, but I felt directly questioning would have led to gaslighting.
I found him within the last two weeks engaging in conversation with a woman who describes herself as a professional tease, with all the pictures to go with it. My husband eventually followed up by asking to meet and hang out.
I am, to the bottom of my soul, enraged (at him, not her) and hurt. And so many other emotions. When I confronted him, he immediately began “This isn’t me, I didn’t do this. Something is wrong with my phone. I just got this phone.”
He told me I’m overreacting even though the language, even the emojis used, are his usual tone.
I am seeking counseling. I don’t know how to look at this person anymore. He is not an easy person to talk to; he does not like to be contradicted in his own self-image. I don’t know how to move forward in the meantime. Please, what advice can you offer? I’m so lost. I’m just trying to be strong for myself and our kids, but I know me, I hold things.
—Feeling Hopeless
Dear Feeling: You’re allowed to hold this for as long as it serves you. Your husband responded to your legitimate feelings of hurt and betrayal by lying to you when he should have taken responsibility and made amends. That doesn’t give you anything to rebuild on.
Even if he’s not physically cheating, it’s clear from your feelings and his response that this texting relationship crossed a boundary in your relationship. He needs to address that, and if he can’t or won’t, you can’t move forward. If he won’t talk to you directly, see if he’ll go to couples counseling with you. This isn’t your problem to fix alone.
In your one-on-one counseling, try to work through the pain you’re feeling. It won’t all dissipate right away, but it will be helpful to talk it through with someone who will listen, who can help you process, and who won’t dismiss what you’re saying. You can also talk with your counselor about actions you can take to preserve your peace and your children’s well-being. That might mean separation or divorce. You don’t need his permission to explore those options. You can decide what’s best for you right now.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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