Dear Eric: My husband of 24 years has no interest in me. He’s a hard worker and stays busy all the time. I asked for a divorce, but he won’t do that. There is no intimacy, only the occasional kiss on the cheek, nothing more.
For the past year, I have been reconnecting with an old friend from school. He is so affectionate with me, is intelligent, and loves to have intellectual conversations. He compliments me on my intellect, appearance, kind heart and everything I have never had. We talk, hug, even kiss, and watch movies while holding hands.
It feels so good to have someone show feelings for me. Do I just keep on this routine? I know my husband cheated on me in the past, but I have never strayed. I just need to feel loved, cared about and to have adult conversations. Where do people usually go from here? I’m 59. My friend is 59. My husband is 68. The age difference started to become a problem about six years ago.
— Caught in Feelings
Dear Feelings: I’ve thought about your letter for a few weeks now and I keep coming back to the same solution. You should talk to your husband about formally opening your relationship so you can pursue a fulfilling intimacy with your friend without guilt or confusion.
Yes, I know this is a non-traditional arrangement for many. Yes, I can hear the email responses already madly dinging in my inbox, but let’s face reality – you’re kissing and going on dates. The relationship may not be currently open, but it’s certainly ajar.
Your husband’s outlook on life has changed, due to age, retirement and perhaps other factors. It’s possible that his sex drive has decreased or his understanding of himself has shifted. This is natural. There may be remedies, if he’s interested.
It’s worth asking him if he has any concerns about what’s changed for him and then sharing your own concerns. Marriages, like all relationships, are ever evolving. You owe it to each other to process this stage of its evolution.
From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve already started talking about the way your lives differ from what you’d like. I’m sorry he hasn’t been more responsive. Perhaps he’s comfortable with how things are.
You are not. And you haven’t been for a long time. You deserve to listen to that discomfort.
Have frank conversations with your husband and with your friend, separately, about your needs and the way your friendship has evolved. It will probably be useful to engage the help of a marriage therapist to guide this conversation with your husband. This can also be a time to process the times your husband has been unfaithful, should you so choose.
Opening your relationship isn’t a tit-for-tat arrangement, however. I offer it as a way of formalizing the connections that are already happening and getting everyone on the same page.
Tristan Taormino’s book “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” will also give you good models for navigating this phase. You deserve to feel loved and cared for. You deserve intimacy. Establishing healthy communication around love, boundaries, and intimacy will only make the bonds you have stronger.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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