Dear Eric: I, a 45-year-old female, have been married to my husband, a 45-year-old male, for eight years. He has never called my mom by her first name or any other name like “Ma”. When we visit my mother, he’ll walk past her without a word.
I feel caught in the middle, making excuses saying things like he’s tired or something like that.
When he cooks for me and the children at my mom’s house during visits, he refuses to cook for my mom. If he goes to the store, he won’t ask if she would like him to bring something back.
Recently, my 7-year-old daughter told my mother, “Dad doesn’t like you.” I know why that statement is true, but I personally feel like there is no good reason to be socially rude and disrespectful. If this continues, maybe he should not visit when the children and I go.
— Wife in the Middle
Dear Wife: Your husband’s behavior goes beyond not liking. We’re in grudge territory here. First things first: he should definitely stop visiting. I can’t imagine it’s fun for your mom, so who is benefiting?
You write that you know why he doesn’t like her. Have you talked it through with him? With her? With them together? It’s not your job to fix it, but his extreme reaction suggests something truly awful. Who owes who amends here? Making progress toward that will keep this poison out of the family tree’s root system.
You should also let him know how hard his behavior is making your life. He’s an adult who needs to use (and model) better conflict resolution skills. Talk to him about the burden his hostility is placing on everyone. It’s not just your mom who is getting the blowback.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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