Dear Eric: My only son passed away six months ago. I told everyone that his death was due to heart problems when it was actually due to the effects of long-term alcoholism. He was 35 and a highly successful lawyer in New York City, as well as being a philanthropist.
He truly had heart problems, but they were caused by his alcoholism. (Alcohol is a poison, but it does not kill us because our liver detoxifies it. However, if one has more than one or two drinks a day the liver often cannot keep up and every organ in the body suffers over time.)
My subterfuge was to protect his reputation as I wanted him to be remembered for all that he had contributed to making his part of the world a better place versus as a drunk. He was a highly functional alcoholic, always on time, never missing work or a trial.
Now, some of my close friends are asking me to correct my story in hopes that others who are hiding substance abuse will have the courage to seek help before the inevitable and sad outcome of long-term use takes the ultimate toll. Should I reveal his secret or not?
— Conflicted in Grief
Dear Conflicted: There is a saying that many in recovery use: “we’re only as sick as our secrets.” Alcoholism is a disease; for many, shame and secrecy allow that disease to fester, spread and destroy. Your son can’t be harmed by his disease anymore, nor can he be harmed by his secrets.
So, if you have the opportunity to tell the whole story and it feels safe for you, take it.
Many grieving parents find some comfort in this. Do an internet search for the 2017 obituary of Casey Marie Schwartzmier, which went viral because of the incredible love and honesty with which Schwartzmier’s parents capture her life, her vivacity and her struggle with addiction. It changed lives when it was published and continues to do so years later.
But don’t do anything simply to appease your friends. Your grief process is the most important thing at the moment. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m wishing you peace and comfort.
Dear Eric: This is in response to the letter from “News Blues” (June 14). I thought your advice was wonderful. Once upon a time, I was News Blues’ perpetually negative father, and I didn’t realize I was doing it. It took me many years (and hard conscious work) to change my position. Now I take my time before I speak, and I think about what I am going to say. I look for the positive in the situation and remark upon that.
To “News Blues”: Be patient with your dad. He has been in this thought process for many, many years. He will have a hard time overcoming this. When you speak with your dad, point out the positives you see in your situation. Help him to see that the positives outweigh the negatives. Most likely he is worried about you and is concerned.
— Eeyore No More
Dear More: Thank you for sharing your story! It’s helpful to get your perspective and to know that we all have the capacity to change longstanding habits.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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