Dear Eric: I’m a 52-year-old divorced guy, no long-term steady relationship for a couple of years now, but for the last four months I have been dating an early-40s lady, “Marie”. We each own our own home and there has been no thought of living together, or even really seeing ourselves as a real couple, but we each had a house key to the other’s place.
On a number of occasions over the time we have been seeing one another, Marie has commented on the fact that I don’t have a television in my home and found it pretty weird when I said that I have no use for one. She has also, politely enough I must say, indicated that she finds my home decor rather bland as she tends toward bright colors in her own home.
One Saturday, after I’d been at work, I came home to find that Marie was unexpectedly in my house, had repositioned all the furniture around in my lounge room, installed a large wall-mounted flat-screen TV, and painted two of the walls in the lounge room a deep maroon color!
She expected me to be very happy about this but not only was I not happy I was actually quite the opposite!
I took my house key back while returning hers and told her I’d be leaving the TV on her doorstep the following morning. She was wildly angry at my response to her “generosity” as she saw it.
So, what I’m wondering is, did I miss something here?
—Channel Changer
Dear Channel: You didn’t miss anything, but it sure seems like you dodged a bullet. It’s one thing to have an opinion about a loved one’s home or décor. It’s quite another to let yourself in and lay down a drop cloth. Marie’s clearly been watching too many of those surprise home makeover shows. But Joanna Gaines she is not. (Sorry, that TV reference probably doesn’t mean anything to you.)
We often talk about the need to respect other people’s boundaries in order to have healthy relationships. Mostly we’re talking about emotional or internal boundaries, so it should definitely go without saying that you don’t drill a mounting bracket into someone’s wall without asking first. She’s lucky you didn’t send her a bill for the re-painting.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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