Dear Eric: I have a friend who is an angry and impatient driver. On a recent trip, he was the driver, and it was a very stressful experience for his passengers. He cursed at other drivers, slammed on the brakes, yelled loudly in the car.
He is also the type of person who is impatient with wait staff, grabs the change out of a cashier’s hand, complains about parking, gets huffy about too many people in a store and gets very angry when he is asked to calm down. Normally, other members of our party try to ignore it or just say “that’s who he is”, but after this last trip I’m wondering if you can give some suggestions on what we can say and how we can behave when we are uncomfortable with his behavior.
—Calm Friend
Dear Calm: Respectfully, I’m not sure why you’re still friends with this person. This isn’t a dig at you. Rather, this person’s behavior is blatantly antisocial and concerning to boot. It’s hard to see an upside to the friendship.
This could be the result of a psychological or emotional issue. If so, help is available if he’ll accept it. Try speaking to him about it at a calm moment. Acknowledge his feelings – frustration, anger, et cetera – while also letting him know how his behavior is impacting those around him. “When [x] happened, I felt scared/stressed/uncomfortable. It’s concerning to me, and I feel it’s negatively affecting our friendship. When we’re together, I want to feel [x] instead.”
You can also use this opportunity to set a non-negotiable limit to what you’ll be a party to. If you don’t feel safe riding in a car with your friend, say that. And follow that statement with action. Don’t get in the car.
If you feel that it’s inappropriate to treat servers brusquely (which it is) and you won’t be dining with him if he does that, tell him that, too. Urge him to talk to a professional, either via one-on-one counseling or in an anger management support group online or in person.
He may not see his anger as a problem. He may see it as a legitimate response to a world that hasn’t lived up to his expectations. That’s within his right, but his actions have repercussions and it’s important to let him know about them and give him the chance to change.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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