Dear Eric: I do not have a very active social life, and I am trying to improve it. Sometimes I will invite someone to something and on the day of, they will call me and say, “Sorry, I cannot make it, is that OK?” This question confuses me.
What exactly is “OK”? I cannot force them to honor the commitment. However, I am always disappointed when people bail on me, so no, I do not think that it is particularly “OK.” I think the question is rude.
I usually respond with “Have a nice evening.” And the person is likely to sigh. If this is over text, they might send a cringing emoji. I think “have a nice evening” is a perfectly fine response. Anyone who gets flaked on would be disappointed, and I do not think that flakers have a right to expect the people who flake on them to say that they are perfectly happy with it. Is there a better way of handling this situation?
—OK Not Being OK
Dear OK: It sounds like your friends are asking you to give them permission to not feel bad for flaking. And you’re correct: you don’t have to mask your disappointment. Try saying, “Of course, I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to spending time together. But I understand.” This is presuming you do understand why they’re bailing. You can then end the conversation with an invitation to reschedule.
This kind of communication will help you feel heard. If a particular friend is repeatedly canceling on you, however, that’s a good sign that this person isn’t in a place to prioritize your friendship, and your time may be better served with someone else. And that’s OK, too.
Dear Eric: I appreciate your responses to Bloody Exhausted regarding struggles with a coworker who wasn’t working as hard. I have been in lab leadership roles for eight years now, that includes supervising phlebotomists. There are always comments that the “boss” isn’t doing anything about “lazy” coworkers. Even if the boss was doing something about the “lazy” coworker, their coworkers should not be privy to that information. Maybe the phlebotomist has a work accommodation that requires them to move slower. Or maybe they have a horrible supervisor. Bring up your concerns, maybe even check on your coworker to see if they need support from an experienced phlebotomist. Don’t assume nothing is happening.
—Been There
Dear Been There: Thanks for this perspective and for bringing up work accommodations. Insightful points.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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