Dear Eric: I am struggling with a friend issue. We were roommates in the ’70s and have been friends ever since. She is 74 and I am 73. She is like an aunt to my two children. She was married once but has no children and has been divorced for decades. Other than her older brother, who is 80, she doesn’t really have any close family, although two nephews will inherit everything.
I am on several accounts of hers, I’m her medical power of attorney, etc. I am always there if she needs something, but she seems to reach out and talk to other friends more. I feel like she is just not there with me anymore.
She has gotten rid of other friends in the past and complained about other people, but now they are her new best friends.
We talked briefly today, but she was more concerned about a retirement account. I had scheduled an arm surgery for later this month, and she knew I had a doctor’s appointment but didn’t have time to even ask me about it.
Where do I go from here? It’s painful, and I thought we were like family.
—Ignored Friend
Dear Friend: A “state of the friendship” conversation is always a good way to clear the air and hit reset, if need be. You’ve been friends for a long time, and you’ve changed and changed again over the years. So, the things that each of you need from the relationship are probably much different than they used to be. That may indicate incompatibility, or it may be an opportunity to rethink how you show up for each other.
She trusts you enough to be her medical and financial advocate, but what you want is the trust – and curiosity – of a close confidante. I can see how this situation might make you feel a little used, as if you were an employee rather than a friend.
Try to chalk it up to being taken for granted and talk to her about that. “I feel that our conversations are more ‘all-business’ than I’d like. Have you noticed that, too? I’d like to share what’s going on with me, and I’d like to feel closer. Is that something you’re open to working on?” From there, you can talk about your hope that she’d ask about you more and invite her to share what she wants from your friendship.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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