Dear Eric: I have a three-year-old with my ex-husband who I currently have a very strained relationship with. I recently had to file a restraining order on him because he assaulted me when I was picking her up from his house. Though there is a history of domestic violence there, I am very happy to be building my life back up away from that.
She still sees him every other weekend. I want her to be able to make up her own mind about him one day and I don’t want my opinions to sway her thoughts. How do I continue to nurture her relationship with him when I truly don’t think he’s a good person?
— Conflicted Ex
Dear Conflicted: The best way to care for the relationship right now might be revisiting the terms of your custody.
He can’t even do pick-up without resorting to assault; this is not a safe shared custody agreement and the blame lies with him. You don’t have to clean up his mess.
Thank you for protecting yourself with the restraining order. Please keep seeking out help. If you don’t have the means to consult your lawyer, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has a searchable database that will direct you to local legal resources.
Until your ex gets the help he needs, and begins to make amends to you and your daughter, any relationship he’s building with her will be unhealthy.
As time goes on, your opinion of him may not change. It won’t be appropriate to vent to her, but your experiences are real and legally documented. Your feelings are valid. You can tell her the truth.
Dear Eric: I work at a small, fantastic community-based organization. It is not perfect, but it’s been one of my favorite jobs ever, except for a few of my colleagues who seem to complain endlessly about the smallest things.
Their behavior has led to other staff feeling judged, we’ve even had people leave over it.
Any chance I get I will sing the place’s praises, and if the complaining is next level, I just leave the work room.
I am so sick of it. This is honestly a great place to work and it’d be even greater if we supported each other rather than devolving into cliques and endless rant sessions. Any suggestions you have on how to put a stop to endless (and at times toxic complaining)?
— Sick of Watercooler Complaints
Dear Watercooler: Some people just like to complain about work. I tickled myself thinking what if the question after yours was from your coworker. “This person at my job is just SO POSITIVE…”
Try talking to your coworkers one-on-one. See if you can get to the bottom of what their core issues are. Maybe they’re complaining because they don’t feel empowered to make changes.
Or maybe they’re toxic jerks.
Ask a higher up for help shifting the office culture. You don’t have to wave the Pollyanna banner all on your own.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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