Dear Eric: My husband and I have three adult children (great relationship with all three). Our oldest son is married; our youngest daughter is engaged.
Our middle child, a daughter (36), is in a long-term relationship with a guy we like a lot, and they have two small children. They have so far not seen the need to marry, and may never marry, and we fully support that decision.
Over the years, at various family gatherings, several family members have expressed their opinions about the fact that the middle daughter is not married. Same family members have asked the daughter and/or her partner when they are going to “tie the knot,” “make it legal,” “make a commitment,” or various other small-minded comments. I can tell it makes her and her partner uncomfortable; however, they do not want to offend anyone, so they usually try to dismiss the issue and change the subject.
My desire is to show my support for their decision and to have a snappy comeback (or “put in their place” comment) for anyone I hear make remarks or ask about their marriage plans.
I want to be ready if I hear such conversations at family events coming up. I would really like to be able to jump in and make it clear (again!) that their decision is fine with those that matter and to bug off!
—Happy Family
Dear Family: Try these on for size:
They don’t have time to get married because they’re too busy answering nosy questions.
Weddings are expensive; wouldn’t the money be better spent raising their wonderful kids?
Our family is complete the way it is. How’s yours?
As satisfying as comebacks are, I’ve found directness to be more effective (and sometimes equally as likely to put someone in their place). So, how about, “this is their decision and it’s not open to discussion or comment. You don’t have to like it, but you don’t live in their house. Let’s not talk about this anymore. Pass the rolls.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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