Dear Eric: We’re two seniors in our late 70s, dating two years. He divorced after a 50-year marriage — she initiated it. I had two short marriages early on; one child. I have had several short relationships and one seven-year relationship, though not living together. The man I’m dating is old-fashioned and unable to stop questioning me and bringing up the names of the people I was in relationships with before. He is in counseling. Time goes by but my exes are always in my face through him. But he also says he couldn’t care less about my past. Any advice?
— Moved On
Dear Moved On: Judging by his behavior, I’d say he could stand to care quite a bit less. Coming out of a 50-year marriage, there are probably many things about his life and his partners that he has to realign his thinking on. It’s good that he’s in counseling; hopefully he’s working on this. But, in the meantime, you can and should put your foot down about these comments because it sounds like they’re endangering your relationship.
He may be feeling jealousy about the relationships you had in the past. He may be insecure about them. Or he may be judging them. None of that is about you. That’s his stuff to deal with, but by bringing it to your doorstep he’s making it a problem for both of you. That isn’t fair, nor is it something you deserve.
Tell him no more talk about past relationships, full stop. You can, if you want, explain to him that it’s bothering you and making you unhappy. Or you can simply say you don’t want to talk about it and leave it at that. If he can’t or won’t respect your wishes, he may not be ready to be in a relationship with you. Again, that’s not something you need to fix. You don’t need to explain, justify, or apologize for any part of your past. The life you’ve lived has made you the person you are, a person with whom he wants to be in a relationship. What happened matters but, in this case, only insofar as it matters to you, not to him.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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