Dear Eric: I had a friend with whom I texted frequently with excellent tips and attached articles relating important matters to him and never got words of appreciation for my thoughts. Many times, I expressed my disappointment and tried to let him understand that I wished to get a thanks.
Unfortunately, I did not succeed to change his attitude and consequently I decided to pause. I just cannot stand people who take everything for granted. Also, he never recognizes his mistakes and blames others. The above is all due to a complex of inferiority.
My defect is expecting people to behave as I do, and if not, I just disconnect.
Recently, I invited him for dinner for the holiday, and he said he had other plans. No thanks at all for my thought. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
What are your thoughts, please? Is my disappointment reasonable?
— Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: It sounds like your friendship has a communication problem. You’ve expressed a want and your friend didn’t acknowledge that want. It’s understandable, then, that you’d feel disappointed. I imagine that if he’s not hearing you when you ask for thanks, there may be other areas in which the two of you are disconnected. It’s worth taking a step back and asking yourself what is most important in this relationship and how you can meet each other in the middle.
As you step back, you might also ask yourself why you want to hear thanks from your friend. What you want isn’t right or wrong, but you might consider that whatever validation you’re looking for can come in other ways. It’s also possible that your offerings aren’t what your friend wants or needs. From that view, you and your friend might be misaligned. Realizing this might help you to right-size your expectations and meet each other where you are.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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