Dear Eric: Like many of my friends in their late 20s, my life is still in draft form. There are so many moving pieces, but by now I have a rough blueprint of where I want to go. I work full time and I am also a full-time graduate student.
While my career goals are feeling closer than ever, other aspects of my life, such as romantic relationships feel more out of reach than ever. I have tried online dating and have matches, but I never make the effort to meet for a date.
I know once I get started, a relationship will add value and fun to my life, but how do I get started when I know it will make the rest of my busy life busier and more challenging? My friends and I talk often about trying to figure out balancing work life, friendships, relationships, and our mental and physical health in our 20s. How does one decide what to prioritize?
— Work Life Love Balance
Dear Balance: I’m not sure that anyone, at any point, fully achieves balance. And maybe that’s not the goal. I think of life in one’s 20s as like DJing, but not like DJing with your phone at a house party where you just hit play on Spotify and hope for the best.
Professional DJs mix live, moving the bass up, the treble down; sampling, starting another track that only they can hear, while the current track finishes up. It’s a lot of moving around. Every track is different. And there’s always going to be somebody out in the crowd screaming “You’re doing it wrong. Play ‘Wonderwall’!”
There’s no way to do it wrong. But you should strive to do it authentically. Prioritize your health. If your physical and mental health isn’t good, everything is going to suffer. So, if grad school and work have you at capacity, don’t worry about anyone else’s time clock for love or anything else.
If you have time to pick up a book, try memoirs others have written about this complicated time in their lives. I particularly enjoy those written by Samantha Irby, Scaachi Koul and David Rakoff. They might offer some perspective and humor.
You have more time than you think you do. When things are in alignment, you can add things into the mix — romance, other job responsibilities, and a larger social circle. It will not all go according to plan. It may happen out of sequence or all cattywampus. But if you’re staying true to yourself and making sure to take care of yourself, you’ll learn the steps of the dance.
Anyway, here’s “Wonderwall”…
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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