Dear Eric: Throughout our marriage my husband has had trysts online and in person. When I became aware of this, I began the process of leaving but then was diagnosed with cancer and my focus completely changed from leaving to surviving.
Now my children, a teen and preteen, have become aware of my husband’s infidelity. My daughter saw my husband kissing another woman about a year ago. She’s only now shared this.
I’m scared to leave. I am an independent contractor so I don’t have my own health insurance, plus neither of us could financially survive a divorce.
Most importantly, even with his infidelity, I love him and the life we have together. I know he’ll never leave, but he also isn’t going to stop cheating.
My children aren’t bitter toward their father but continue to make comments that I should leave and that I need to have some self-respect.
Do I continue to ignore these remarks? Or do I have a hard adult conversation with them and explain that even when there is infidelity there can still be love?
— Trapped at Home
Dear Home: I am so sorry that you’re going through this complicated time. You deserve care and support. I’m sorry you’re not getting either.
It’s time for a conversation with your kids. Your husband needs to take an active role in this.
Tell him that it’s up to him to own up to his actions and have a mature talk with the kids about their misplaced shaming. He should do this part on his own, this isn’t your burden to share and the kids need to get that.
It will be a good lesson for your children about what self-respect actually is. (Here’s the CliffsNotes version: You do have self-respect and you’re facing impossible choices.)
Judging from his behavior, I’m almost certain your husband won’t immediately spring into action when asked to help.
I know that leaving is not an option you can entertain, and you’ve said he won’t stop cheating, but you should draw a line at him taking responsibility for the impact of his actions.
You do deserve this much (and more). It is not unfair to ask for it.
If it’s possible, work with a family therapist. Your kids are also dealing with a lot. While their comments toward you are unfair, their acting out is probably also indicative of deeper pain they don’t have the emotional vocabulary to deal with.
Of equal importance: A family therapist can help you sort out your own feelings. Your emotional health shouldn’t come secondary to anyone else’s.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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