Dear Eric: I’m a 62-year-old female and have been married to my second husband (a 65-year-old male) for 30 years. Empty nesters. Never once has my husband divulged to me what his financial situation is. Now that I am disabled and don’t work anymore, I depend on him financially. He just tells me to not spend so much. I don’t by any means. I have no idea where we stand. I’ve asked him many times to sit down with me and plan a budget. I am on a fixed income; he still works. I feel like I’m going through life fiscally blind. What can I say to convince him to give me that information? What would happen if he went before me?
— Hidden Accounts
Dear Accounts: Let’s focus on long-term care and stability should he predecease you. Ask him what his end-of-life plans are. Does he have a will? How will you know what his accounts are, should you survive him?
A wise friend once advised me that every couple should have a binder where copies of everything important are stored: birth certificates, marriage licenses, deeds, bank account information, et cetera. Framing your concerns as questions about long-term planning may help him understand how important it is to be forthcoming.
Generously, I want to assume his reticence is due to machismo — i.e., he wants to take care of you. But withholding information, especially when it’s asked for repeatedly, is just awful in a marriage. If he doesn’t respond to the will questions, loop in the kids. It’s irresponsible for him not to plan and for him not to let you know what that plan is. The kids — be they yours together or not — can help advocate for you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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