Dear Eric: I just read the letter from “Personal Space,” who was trying to distance herself from her deceased husband’s sister and the sister’s constant texts. I have grappled with a similar situation after my brother died.
One of his close friends (who I didn’t know prior to the funeral) calls me maybe once a year or so, wanting to talk. He loves to talk about my brother, bringing up their history and mutual interests, all the way back to their high school days (we’re in our 70s now).
This connection seemed odd to me, that it continued through the years, since we never really knew each other well. But recently, I happened to be at the cemetery where my brother and parents are buried and received one of the friend’s calls. The cemetery is in the little community where our family began, in a different state, and my whole family from my dad’s side is laid to rest there.
The trip had been very emotional for me, because my family of origin and all the aunts and uncles and many of those favorite cousins are gone, too, along with so many memories we shared. I decided right then and there that from now on, when the friend and I talked, I would start writing down his stories about my brother. My children and grandchildren can learn about him, and we can also share those memories as well. My brother didn’t have children, I have no other siblings, so these memories will keep his memory alive.
— Attitude Change
Dear Change: I love this re-framing. You not only get to deepen a relationship with another person, but you’re creating and extending a family legacy. I also think it’s important that you recognize a way to acknowledge and tend to your grief. Thank you for sharing this.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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