Asking Eric: I adopted my foster child but it’s been a long, hard road

Dear Eric: Twelve years ago, I was a foster parent for a 12-year-old. “Angel” was reunified with her father after a year and when that blew up, she came back to live with me.

At one point I petitioned the court and was granted legal custody. She has left and come back multiple times over the years.

Angel just had a baby and is struggling in every way. She seems angry all the time. She has a history of being mean, rude and disrespectful to me over the years and at each turn, I decided to stick around.

Angel is a trauma survivor and victim of abuse and neglect as a child. I strive to offer empathy, support and unconditional love. It’s a hard job. I’m feeling that I am at a crossroads after a recent incident. Can I just be done with all of this?

I feel disrespected, taken advantage of, unappreciated and just plain sick of all the drama. Then I remember that nothing I feel could possibly compare to the challenges that she has faced, and the lifetime of trauma she has experienced.

Angel has demonstrated that she is either unwilling or not capable of working toward a healthier connection. Am I OK with being one more adult who lets her down (in her eyes, anyway) and walks away?

— Fatigued Foster Parent

Dear Fatigued: This process of “rupture and repair” is a lifetime one, according to Priscilla Singleton, LMFT, LSCW, director of Clinical Standards at the Council for Relationships. Angel is going to keep pushing to make sure that you’re actually going to stick around, Singleton told me. But your steady presence, whether Angel is accepting or rejecting it, is still a message that maybe the world is a safe place.

As a foster care worker, Singleton ran training and support groups for parents. But if you didn’t receive that — say, if Angel came to you through family connections — a lot of this probably feels unmanageable. Parents don’t have to be punching bags, but you have tools that Angel doesn’t.

Instead of walking away, work with a therapist or support group that has specific training in fostering and adoption. They can help you better understand where Angel is coming from and set a boundary that will keep you both safe. This boundary also models healthy parenting for Angel and her daughter.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)