Dear Eric: I sing as a volunteer in a church choir. Because I can sight-sing, was trained as a musician, and can sing alto, the music director likes it when I come.
For me, singing is “work,” not “fun,” but the music director is very nice, and the choir members are very warm and kind people.
What I don’t enjoy is that one of the newer members wears very strong cologne, and I am allergic to it. If I forget to take an allergy pill before church, I cough during the entire service and sing about one-quarter of the notes. If I remember the allergy pill, I don’t cough but can only sing about half the notes because her cologne still affects my breathing in a bad way.
If she (the cologne wearer) was a friend, I could go up to her and say, “Lay off the scent, it’s making me sick.” But she is an acquaintance, and I don’t know her well enough to be so blunt. Also, she is from another country and culture and, as an immigrant, is deserving of our respect and acceptance.
The choir director has put out a general email asking people not to use cologne since others are allergic or sensitive. No result. If it was up to me, I would simply stop attending church and spend my Sunday mornings watching the talking heads on TV, which is my idea of a perfect Sunday morning. But that’s the lazy hedonist’s way out. Any suggestions on a tactful and non-confrontational way to tell her to not wear cologne?
—Sunday Sniffles
Dear Sunday: If her cologne’s notes of sandalwood and bergamot are obstructing your high notes, it’s a whole choir problem. So, you should kick it back up the org. chart (up the octave?).
Tell the music director that, for health and performance reasons, you’ll be unable to continue volunteering if the strong scents aren’t addressed. The director surely values your presence and should be able to find a harmonious balance here.
Coming from you, a direct request that the other choir member not wear her cologne could pull you into interpersonal drama. Whereas the music director is able to talk to her one-on-one and frame it as something the group needs for the success of all involved.
If the director can’t or won’t, there’s no need to torture yourself for work. Stay home and enjoy your talking heads.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
