Asking Eric: How do I talk to my friend about her abrupt exits?

Dear Eric: My friend has a particularly troubling habit.

When we go out to eat with someone else, after we finish eating and are just sitting around talking, she, without fail, will suddenly announce she’s got to go and jumps up and leaves almost immediately.

When it’s just the two of us out to eat together, this never happens. Not once.

This is rude, right? It’s certainly unsettling. Or am I being controlling to be bothered by it?

I’m dumbfounded.

Would it be appropriate for me to address this habit with her? If yes, how should I go about it?

Perhaps I could just give her a copy of my question and your response to her and confess I’m the one who wrote the letter to you?

— Dumbfounded

Dear Dumbfounded: Before you give her the question, try asking a question or two about the habit, because that will come across as more neutral and will hopefully get a better result. Try to use this as an opportunity to learn more rather than correct.

Start by asking her, “Have you noticed this pattern?” If so, ask for more information about why she does it. Are there certain triggers or other factors at play? Is there a reason it doesn’t happen with you? Leading with curiosity will help the conversation stay unguarded and friendly. There are plenty of possible explanations: boredom, anxiety, physical discomfort. Asking for more information will give you context. And, who knows, there may be something that both of you can adjust in the future so that these kinds of meals are fun from beginning to end, whenever that end comes.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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