Dear Annie: I (38F) am done having kids and have always thought I’d be a gestational carrier. I’m interested in helping someone build their family and have a little extra for my kids’ college funds. My husband is supportive of whatever I’d like to do. I was originally going to work through an agency but met a couple through a mutual friend that I got along with and seemed like they’d be a good fit to work with privately. I am financially stable but could use the “boost” in income.
Almost eight months ago, we had an initial talk about expectations, compensation and it seemed like we were all on the same page ($50K+ plus some expenses for things like maternity clothes).
We had a more recent call where they indicated their comfortable budget was 10−20k, less than what we had talked about and seemed nervous about reimbursing for miscellaneous pregnancy expenses.
I found an agency that has expectations laid out, a non-negotiable payment plan for compensation and lots of bonus perks for me as a carrier. How do I break the news to this hopeful couple that I’m not interested in carrying their baby because they’re going back on their word about money? They’re both in highly paid careers and make far more money than me, with no children to support yet.
—Carrier Concern
Dear Concern: Though there are, understandably, emotions involved, being clear, concise and direct with the couple will save everyone a lot of trouble. “As we’ve continued discussion, it’s become clear to me that I’m more comfortable working with an agency.” You don’t need to continue to go back and forth with them about the numbers. Some negotiation is going to be standard but quoting one figure and then significantly walking it back doesn’t bode well. You can wish them the best and separate in peace.
Because there are a number of legal and medical requirements involved in gestational carrying, it’s important to go into the process with clear expectations all around and a mutual trust backed up by a contract that has been negotiated by surrogacy attorneys. The shifting goal posts of their budget don’t meet your expectations and that’s not a good base on which to build this important relationship.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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