Dear Eric: I have a group of three girlfriends from middle school/high school. We stayed close during college and were in each other’s weddings, etc. I have known these women for more than 50 years.
There is one person in the group that I have been consistently close with over the many years. The other two I did not and there was a more than 15-year gap in our friendships when I moved away. The problem is that I have outgrown those two.
These two always insist that we get together as a group four times a year, usually around birthdays. It is always a headache trying to coordinate schedules. They’re very difficult to deal with and inflexible with their schedules but insist on these get-togethers.
I no longer have anything in common with them except the length of time that we’ve known each other. I would like to withdraw from these gatherings. We don’t see or talk to each other on a consistent basis except for these birthday gatherings. I’ve tried to beg off in the past, but they insist on waiting for me to be available. It’s ridiculous and I’m exhausted from it. These are people that don’t take no for an answer. How do I end this madness?
—Over It
Dear Over It: Sometimes you have to be very clear that a friendship is over. A breakup, if you will. That sounds like where you are with these two people now.
But, unlike romantic breakups, which often have clear beginnings and endings, the dissolution of friendships can be hazy and imprecise. So, you’ll have to be clear about what you want.
I asked friendship expert Anna Goldfarb, author of the book “Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections” and the Substack newsletter “Friendship Explained” for a kind but clear breakup script. “We aren’t socialized to withdraw from friendships,” Anna told me. “So, I can see why this situation makes the letter writer uncomfortable. As women, we have a lot of societal pressure to keep the peace and not rock the boat.” But, she says, you can do this.
“Be polite yet firm. Say, ‘Thanks for the invitation, ladies, but I’m unavailable for these kinds of events. While I appreciate you thinking of me, these birthday get-togethers aren’t my thing.”
Anna also said that you shouldn’t be afraid to disengage if they push back. You may need to mute the invites. “They are adults, and managing their disappointment is not your responsibility.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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