Dear Eric: I have a nephew who is disrespectful and condescending to me. He has been since he was a little boy but is now over 30. My husband and son tell me he just always needs to be the smartest person in the room and not to take it personally. But I’m tired of it.
Last holiday season I vowed to push back, softly and politely, but he did his condescending thing in front of and in the hearing of a dozen relatives and I worried even a polite rebuke would sound mean, so I sat there and took it silently, like I always have, and I’ve felt like a wuss ever since. The holidays are coming up again. How can I stand up for myself without turning the family against me?
—Annoyed Aunt
Dear Aunt: I’m curious why the family would turn against you for speaking up. Are they also bullies? Or is your hesitation about how you feel you’ll be perceived? Part of bullying, sometimes, is convincing the bullied person that self-advocacy is rude, or socially unacceptable, or even bullying itself. This can come from one person, or it can be a collective creation.
If your family really would turn against you for saying “please don’t speak to me that way” or something like that, they are actually already against you.
So, you don’t have anything to lose by advocating for yourself. I know it’s easier said than done but ask yourself if an environment where people will get mad at you for pushing back on condescension is one that actually supports you. There are ways of building trust, support and better communication. I find that holiday dinners are usually not the best places to get into the nitty-gritty, but it’s never a bad time to set a boundary. Your husband and son can also back you up on this.
A last thought: it’s actually OK to be mean in the face of disrespect. It doesn’t sound like anything you’d say would reach that level. But even if polite rebuke turns to semi-polite rebuke, you’ll still be in the right.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
