Dear Amy: My son “Aaron” is six years old.
Aaron’s grandmother “Omi” is deceased, and his grandfather has remarried a woman Aaron always previously addressed as “Miss Helen.”
I’m wondering: Is it OK to force a child to address a step-grandma as “Grandma” before he is ready?
His grandfather feels that since he has married Helen it is disrespectful for his grandson to address her this way.
I think that whatever way Aaron feels comfortable calling her should be fine.
Currently, whenever he slips up, his grandfather tells him how disrespectful he is.
I’m afraid of what might happen if he keeps slipping up, and what punishment his grandfather might deliver.
Your opinion?
— Upset Mother
Dear Upset: I agree with you that a 6-year-old child should be gently introduced into a family transition and not punished if he doesn’t quite catch on to the new program. He is six!
The immediate — and probably lasting — consequence of this pressure will be that “Aaron” will most likely choose not to address his new step-grandmother at all, for fear of slipping up.
His grandfather’s harshness will not inspire respect, but timidity, and possibly — fear. Aaron will then choose to avoid these two adults, which is an instinctive and rational reaction to their behavior. And patterns and relationships established in youth have a way of sticking.
These grandparents need to realize that while it is easy to demand respect, commanding respect takes time, patience, and setting a positive example. This grandfather is failing, and when Aaron starts avoiding him, the grandfather will claim not to have the slightest idea why.
Dear Readers: Before I show myself out at the end of June, I’m delighted to make way for your newest advice-giver: R. Eric Thomas, whose “Asking Eric” column will continue to foster the engaging relationship we’ve shared. Eric is young, smart, and a talented advice-giver — formerly of the Dear Prudence column.
You can help Eric get started by sending your questions to eric@askingeric.com.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
