Dear Amy: After our teen years, my brother and I became close.
After my mother abruptly left town to be with another man, my brother and I were left to clean up the mess, literally and figuratively.
We worked well together. A year or two later he and his family moved far away. I did my best to keep in touch, but with schedule differences it became hard.
When we do talk, he keeps any conversation to about five minutes.
I noticed that I’m usually the one reaching out.
I asked him about this, and he said he would try harder, and that he missed our closeness. But he doesn’t try harder.
I have asked him if he doesn’t want a relationship, and he always says he does, but that he is just busy.
However, I see him and his wife interacting with our mutual friends on social media. (They quit interacting with me on my social media posts a few years ago.) I do not like how these relationships feel one-sided. I especially feel hurt when mutual friends say that they’ve talked with them recently.
After multiple attempts to get them to show up more in our relationships, I am feeling like I just need to walk away from any attempts to interact with them, since it feels like there is something that they are not being honest about.
They don’t even know of the declining health of our parents because they don’t reach out to them, either.
What should I do?
— Sad Sibling
Dear Sad: You have called out your brother and his wife, and you’ve presented their lack of interest as a binary: They are either in, or they’re out.
I think you should stop asking for or expecting anything more than you’re getting from them — an occasional five minutes here or there.
Your brother does not want to be in touch more often. If he did want more, he would either initiate or ask for more — the way you do.
He is not in contact with your parents, and connecting with you reminds him of this choice, which he likely feels guilty about.
You are thinking about walking away from the relationship, but I suggest that you only walk away from your expectations. You want to be closer. He doesn’t. This is a painful situation that you will have to work hard to accept. If you do less, he might do more — but there is no guarantee.
If you want to talk to your brother, reach out. Be honest about your own vulnerability: “I wish we were closer because I enjoy you and I miss you.” That’s it.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.comor send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter@askingamy or Facebook.)
©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
