Dear Amy: A while ago my wife got a cellphone call from “Martine,” a very high-strung woman whom she regarded as a friend.
The reception was so poor that she asked Martine if they could talk when she got home. Instead of agreeing, Martine exploded in hysterical anger, screaming that the 40-year friendship was over.
This extreme and illogical overreaction left my wife so depressed that I finally wrote to Martine on my own initiative, asking what kind of person she was who would treat a friend in such a shabby and insulting manner.
I added that I was writing without my wife’s knowledge or permission (which she wouldn’t have given), but seeing the effect of her rage on my wife, I regarded it as my business, as well as hers.
Martine flew into another tantrum, but instead of directing it at me she attacked my wife, who had nothing whatsoever to do with my writing the letter.
Martine seemed to be determined to hurt her for no reason, or maybe she was deflecting.
I say good riddance and my wife seems philosophical about the matter, but the so-called “friendship” – is clearly over.
Initially my wife was not happy with my choice to contact Martine, but now she seems more or less behind it.
We agreed to ask for your views on my choice. Your thoughts?
– Protective Husband
Dear Protective: Your wife seems to have accepted your choice, as well as the consequences that have flowed from it, so asking for my opinion after the fact really puts me in the position of being an armchair referee.
Your wife’s relationships are her own to manage. Her feelings and actions are her responsibility. She reacted to “Martine’s” behavior by becoming sad and depressed. After some time had passed, she might have chosen to reach out to her in her own way and using her own words. She might have expressed some worry about Martine’s health or mental health. Or she might have expressed some anger and ended the friendship – on her own terms.
You’ve denied your wife these choices. At the very least, you could have told her how you were feeling and let her know that you intended to react. You didn’t do that because you knew she would disagree with you, and so you went behind her back. Your wife might feel like she is standing between two angry people who don’t hear her or respect her autonomy.
I assume that she is now threading the needle; appreciating your loyalty to her, understanding your protective behavior regarding Martine, and accepting the fact that – at this point – she can’t do anything about either one of you.
Dear Amy: A few weeks ago, I returned from an enjoyable touring vacation.
The scenery and the attractions were wonderful.
There was only one problem – one of my fellow travelers.
This person spent the entire vacation stating her obnoxious political views.
Since I was sitting near her on the bus, I asked to be rotated, so I could escape her constant airing of her political opinions.
That helped some, but every time I sat down to a meal, she seemed to be at the same table.
I go on these trips to have a good time and enjoy new experiences.
I don’t go on them to discuss politics.
Everyone has a right to their opinion, but I don’t believe it was her right to impose her opinions on other people who can’t escape.
I’m wondering if I should have done more to protect my serenity. Your thoughts?
– Discouraged Traveler
Dear Discouraged: You don’t report having asked this person not to discuss politics with you. You might have said, “I happen to disagree with your views, so let’s agree to leave our political views at home. I want to enjoy a peaceful holiday, and I want the same for you.”
Your tour operator might have helped by conveying a similar suggestion.
Dear Amy: Responding to “Wondering Parents” about gender-specific toys, years ago when my boys were small we absolutely forbid guns of any kind.
We did allow dolls.
I still remember my boys asking to take Barbie dolls outside. A few minutes later, I witnessed them using the Barbie dolls as machine guns.
They are in their 30′s now; neither owns any firearms.
– Dad
Dear Dad: I remember nibbling my snack-time graham cracker into the shape of a pistol. Like your sons, I don’t own any firearms, but … I still love to snack.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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