Dear Eric: I recently learned that I have a fatal disease, although there may be some treatments to lessen my symptoms for a while. I don’t want to tell my family anything about my plight until January, so as not to spoil their holidays.
I want to tell my two adult children, but allow them to decide when to tell their children (my grandchildren). Or is it better for me to tell them all together? What is the best thing to do?
— Family news
Dear Family news: The simple (perhaps too simple) answer is to do whatever you need to feel cared for and supported. It’s very thoughtful of you to think of how this news will impact your loved ones, but you don’t have to carry this weight for a second longer than you want to. Your loved ones would surely do anything in their power to make this moment easier for you, so hold that idea in your mind as you decide when and how to deliver the news.
A less simple but more practical answer is that you should consider telling your children first. They’re going to have different questions than their children will, and the conversation you have with them will work differently than a group conversation. You may find that you’ll need to manage the grandchildren’s feelings and responses more, as might your children. Whereas in a conversation with just the adults, you may find you all have the capacity to feel however you feel and hold each other. This also allows your children time to process first, which then better prepares them to talk with their kids.
No matter what you decide, please remember that this diagnosis isn’t your plight alone. This is something that is happening to you, but it’s also happening to your family. In moments when it feels too complicated, scary, or overwhelming, know that you’re not alone and you don’t have to hold back what you’re feeling.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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