Dear Annie: Let me preface this by saying that I am an animal lover, and I like dogs and cats. I grew up with dogs, but as an adult, I have become more of a cat person. While I enjoy dogs enough, my husband and I have talked about how dog ownership is a lot of responsibility and, at this point in our lives, we choose just to have cats.
My dilemma comes from my husband’s family and their dogs. Both his sister and mother have two dogs each. The dogs are fine, but they are not very well-behaved and frequently have “accidents”; his mom and sister make excuses for the dogs and never apologize when they do. They let the dogs up on all the furniture, much to my chagrin.
They “ask” if the dogs can come over, but I always feel like I have no say in the matter or that I’m the bad guy because what I really want to say is they should have them boarded or watched elsewhere — but that’s costly and takes more logistical planning (more reasons I choose not to own dogs!).
His mother watches our children at least weekly and always brings her dogs “because she has to.” She is a wonderful help and truly a fantastic person, but her dogs are a nonnegotiable extension of her when she comes over.
This has caused me stress. The older dog smells bad and gets on the furniture, rolls in clean blankets and almost always leaves a “present” for us in the basement. The younger dog eats crayons and has chewed numerous kids’ toys and books. The old dog gets a “pass,” and the young dog is “so cute and sweet,” meanwhile, I am just biting my tongue resenting these animals.
The dogs go outside and get muddy, and come in to directly jump on the furniture. My mother-in-law’s priority is watching our kids, so I certainly want her attention on them instead of the dogs’ paws, but I can’t stop thinking about these dogs just having free rein of my house on a weekly basis.
Our cat is a gracious host (more gracious than me, I suppose!) and doesn’t seem bothered by them. Part of me wishes I could use the cat or allergies as an excuse, but we don’t have allergies. And I love that my kids get time with Grandma each week and don’t want to lose that, but Grandma always comes with her dogs.
I do not like feeling this way and I also don’t want to inconvenience these close family members when they come over, but hosting these dogs in my home consistently is really taking a toll on me. I have brought it up as gently as I can, and it has not gone well. I feel like I’m hurting her feelings because I don’t love her dogs as much as she does.
Again, it’s very clear that we do not have dogs as pets, so I don’t know why this is surprising to her that I feel like this. I try to bond with them and buy them treats, but at the end of the day, I just feel extremely annoyed with the dogs. Is there anything I can do to endure these frequent dog visitors in a healthier way?
— Cat Lady
Dear Cat Lady: Your irritation is perfectly understandable. Having up to four dogs at once poorly behaving in your space— wow, of course you are annoyed.
Since your husband shares your views on a dog-free home and it’s his family causing issues, ask if he would be willing to speak to his mother and sister about this instead. It’ll probably go over better coming from him than from you, no matter how delicately you try to put things.
See what sort of compromise you can come to that both you and your husband are comfortable with. Whether that means only allowing the dogs over on certain days, in certain rooms or under closer supervision, it’s worth not losing your babysitter or sacrificing all the time your kids get to see their aunt and grandmother.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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