Dear Eric: my husband works for an airline and had an emotional affair with a female coworker. I only found out through less-than-honest means (I went through his phone while he was asleep).
I have started going to long-overdue therapy but am unable to get over the constant paranoia, anxiety, and anguish this has caused.
I’m an extremely loyal person who has a very hard time giving up grudges and forgiving people. What can I do other than therapy to try to fix this? We had a really bad experience with a marriage counselor and it left a bad taste in my husband’s mouth. I can’t really blame him. I wonder if I will ever be able to truly forgive or trust him again.
—Broken marriage
Dear Broken marriage: You wrote “what can I do” to fix things, but it sounds like you’re doing a lot of what you need to do, and so the question I have is what you and your husband can do together. Also, what is your husband doing to tend to his side of the street? Yes, you went through his phone and that wasn’t appropriate, but he has amends to make here, too. What is he doing to heal the relationship with you and to work on himself? You may have trouble forgiving people, but I’m curious if he has asked for forgiveness and tried to repair what he set wrong. If he hasn’t, you can only go so far.
I understand the damage that can be done by a less-than-positive therapy experience, but I’m concerned that the path to reconciliation has ended there. Does he want to be forgiven and trusted? Do you want to forgive and trust him? If so, then you both have to try again together. There are many, many marriage counselors out there, as well as mediators, faith leaders, support groups, and more who can help you through this.
It starts with a conversation with him about what he wants, what you want, and what you’re going to do, together, to get there.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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