Dear Eric: My adult son “Aaron” has been using drugs (meth) for the past two years. Thankfully he has finally quit, but the drugs were replaced with alcohol. He turns to me for help constantly; financial, emotional, everything. He’s 48 but acting so immature. I realize addictions are complicated and he could benefit from in-patient treatment.
“Somehow” he keeps avoiding treatment, ending up couch-surfing or in shelters, at my place, in the ER, psychiatric wards, or on other friends’ floors while doing these intermittent binges.
I do talk to Al-Anon groups occasionally, but they are very “hard core.” I have boundaries, and he experiences consequences, but it’s a struggle to watch him suffer so much, even though from his own choices. He says he wants to go into in-patient and seems sincere but then doesn’t quite get there. How can I “support” him without enabling him?
— Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom: Millions of parents and loved ones share the frustration and worry that you’re experiencing. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, more than 40 million people had a substance use disorder in 2020, but only 6.5 percent of them received treatment.
In the book “Get Your Loved One Sober,” Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe recommend the PIUS method for healthy communication and more productive conversations.
P stands for speak to your loved one in a positive manner.
I stands for use “I” statements.
U stands for express understanding of your loved one’s perspective, thoughts and feelings.
S stands for share responsibility or offer a solution to your loved one.
Additionally, as you try to help your son through this, remembering the distinction between enabling and support might help you.
I like to think about support as akin to holding a nail while another person hammers it into a half-finished piece of furniture—it’s aid in achieving a goal. Enabling is like handing a person a completed chair.
Support for Aaron can include being emotionally present for him, listening to him, and asking him what’s getting in the way of seeking treatment. This is going to be painful for you and for him, but there are alternatives to ultimatums that may prove effective in your son’s case.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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