Dear Eric: I lost my oldest, beautiful, intelligent daughter five years ago at 38 years young. She left behind two young sons and a spouse. Her death ultimately stemmed from alcoholism; however, she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and eventually her body shut down organ by organ.
I’m often faced with the tough question “How many kids do you have?” I have three kids; two are alive and one is not. I believe she is in heaven and at peace from her awful addiction. If I say I have two kids, it usually avoids further discussion, but it’s not the truth.
Over the years, I’ve answered many different ways (depending on who is asking) but most times it feels really awkward. Especially when the other person is just being friendly and inquires further about grandkids and who they belong to, etc. Do you have a magical answer?
—Mother of Three
Dear Mother: I’m very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I wish I had a magical answer for you, but in its place, I’ll humbly offer a human one. It depends on where the awkwardness is coming from. If you feel awkward when you answer that you have three kids, that could be your heart’s way of asking you to be gentle with yourself. You may not want to be vulnerable with this particular person nor wish to answer further questions.
But if the awkwardness is coming from others, I’d encourage you to tell the true answer and let them deal with their own feelings about it. I get it—people can be strange about death, even though it is a part of every life, many times over. But if you’re getting the feeling that you’re adding something too heavy to a casual conversation, please put that feeling to the side. It helps everyone when we show up fully ourselves.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
