Dear Eric: A group of my friends has been meeting monthly for about 35 years. Initially, the gathering was intended to discuss our common profession, but over the years the monthly sessions have become equal parts personal and career talk.
Nowadays it is a core group of seven participants (originally 20), with some erratic attendance due to family and life constraints.
Seven months ago, we accepted a newcomer on the basis of a former participant’s recommendation. Unfortunately, it’s become apparent that that participant has “changed the vibe” of the group, and even though he has done nothing egregious, we’d like to uninvite him.
One of the legacy members feels so strongly about this, he won’t attend any meeting that the newcomer attends. He just doesn’t care for him. What is the best (least cruel, easiest) way of handling this “expulsion”? We have no personal relationship with the newcomer outside of these monthly sessions.
—Group Dynamics
Dear Dynamics: Directness may not feel great in the moment, but it’ll likely be the most effective way to reset your group. One of you (perhaps you, or you could deputize someone else) should have a one-on-one chat with the new member, explaining that the group dynamic changed in a way that the original members aren’t comfortable with. Remind the new member that you’ve been meeting for 35 years, and old rhythms are hard to break. If it’s possible—and you’re so inclined—offer an alternative. I’m not clear what you talk about in this group now, but if there’s a particular subject, maybe there’s another outlet for this new member.
Another alternative is just to start meeting separately. You asked for easiest and, honestly, that’s the easiest. But—and this is a big but—it has the potential to be much more hurtful than a direct conversation should he find out you’ve been having clandestine gatherings without him. Best to just acknowledge the truth: some changes don’t work out.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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