Dear Annie: My son is in a relationship with a young woman who had three children prior to meeting. They have had two additional children 11 months apart. “Jordan,” his girlfriend, grew up in foster care. She went through some rough stuff. When she became pregnant with my son’s first child, I vowed that I would treat her children like they were part of my family. My other children also agreed that that would be the only way to move forward.
It wasn’t long, however, that Jordan said things to me like threatening to keep the kids from me. Additionally, both she and the kids are very motivated by material items. They pretty much value visits based on what they’ll receive from it. Because Jordan grew up in foster care, I understand that she places value on “things” and receiving gifts, but I am single, trying to save for retirement and also trying to get by in a challenging economy.
Because that relationship has become very strained and because Jordan exhibits a lot of negative behaviors, my other kids don’t want to be around her or her kids. I feel really uncomfortable with things that she has said to me. I don’t know how to get past it. This, unfortunately, means that I don’t see a lot of my son or his children. I’m afraid to do anything special for them or buy them toys or books because their mom and the other kids would resent it.
My son recently complained that he feels isolated from us. I told him that we love him very much, but that we don’t know how to navigate that relationship.
I’ve been very troubled by the situation. I feel like I should have the grace to manage this situation. I feel selfish. On the other hand, at age 61 and after a late-in-life divorce, I’m working harder than I ever have in my life. My job is very socially demanding, and I don’t have much social energy to expend outside of work. I am very, very protective of my personal time and don’t want to spend it with unpleasantness. I don’t want to be around rude adults or kids who are unruly and need gifts to feel validated.
I should add that I recently moved to an apartment in the urban core from a house in the suburbs. My apartment is not large, and five visiting children would make it feel very small. My complex is lovely and very secure, but it is very urban — and homelessness and crime are part of the deal. There is no place for children to play outdoors. I love it here. I love the diversity. I respect the hard things that are part of living in a city. I’ve wanted this most of my adult life, and I feel that I’ve finally earned this life and hold it precious.
How can I manage to make my son feel less isolated and balance my time and well-being?
— Trying to Figure it All Out
Dear Trying: It sounds like Jordan’s childhood was tainted by trauma, which means some of her behaviors in adulthood may be strange or upsetting to you. Though it’s not your job to accommodate her insults, it might help to try to understand where she is coming from — and the best way to learn more is to ask.
If you feel comfortable, reach out to her for lunch or coffee and try to learn a bit more about what her unusual and offensive comments might be motivated by. If that’s not possible, have a conversation with your son about her, and make it clear that you are trying to understand her better rather than just complaining.
In terms of hosting them at your new apartment, there are plenty of alternatives. Offer to come to them instead, or meet at a neutral place like a park or a restaurant. You have worked hard for a peaceful home, and you have every right to keep it that way.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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